Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Jon's Friends ~ Feelings~ Post #3

Life Isn't A Ritual (WE ARE ALIVE!)

3:38am Today

I want to say something, but i don't know what to say. it's 3 in the morning, I'm sick, I can't sleep. Sure, we weren't the best of friends, but I knew you, and I knew you were a good soul, a sweet person with a great sense of humor, and most certainly a friend indeed. you were one of us man, and now one of us is gone.

I've been sick with a virus for about a week now and have been completely sober, due to my throat being as raw as an uncooked chicken (lol).

Given this opportunity, I've been able to think with a clear mind about my life, about my direction, about where I'm going.

I think about you all the time man. I question why you left us and what good, if anything, could come from this tragedy. I look back at my life and where I'm at and sometimes I feel sick to my stomach. I get this hopeless feeling like I have no direction, no purpose, I'm simply living to die. I'm not a walking zombie by any means: I have friends, family that loves and cares about me, I find things I am truly interested in and which keep me entertained and happy (music, movies, ex.). Yet, a part of me still feels lost, confused, and direction less. I feel like you and I have a lot in common, and I constantly consider how easy it is to make that one decision that could ultimately, negatively affect and alter the rest of my life.

Surely, we all feel the pressures of life.. sometimes all we need to do is talk about it, to someone at least, to gain a different perspective. This life we live is a constant learning experience. I'm at an age, 22, where I've never questioned my existence more so than any other time in what is my short life. I can't sleep because my mind races. I figure I've grown so accustomed to a certain lifestyle that is hard to break. I smoke *** inadvertently to mask the reality that is my ever shortening life.

Everyday I wake up to the same routine. Frankly, I'm sick of it. I know how easy it is to get caught up in the pain and difficulties of this world. I hate to say it, but I've felt hopeless countless times. I still question my purpose, but ultimately it is up to us to direct our lives. Living this turbulent and confusing life doesn't come with a manual, although it certainly would help. Sometimes we do not have the answers to our questions. I believe at this very point in time that I am at a crossroads. I've been living basically the same life for 5+ years now. I fear now that if I don't make a significant change in my lifestyle that I never will. I don't believe I personally would resort to the same things as you, but there are countless ways of subconsciously letting go of life. You could of got help, you could of been anything. I know this now, that I CAN do this. It isn't easy, but it CAN be done. I know that I need to change my habits, the ones that are slowly destroying me. I'm seeing outside of myself and I want change. And I miss you man, and I hate myself for what happened to you. I hate the circumstances of life that led to this very situation. My biggest fear is that I will wake up tomorrow and sink back into my monotonous lifestyle, that no change will come. "Be the change that you want to see in the world."

I'm going to make a difference in my life Jon.

I know things were hard for you, God knows I wish I could of helped. To do something. Anything. I still have myself and I know it isn't going to be easy, but than again I also know I MUST do this. For myself, for you, for my family.

Sometimes it's so easy for me to forget that I am alive. That this is all RIGHT NOW. That I do have the power to change and that every action and decision I make has an inverse affect. We all are living, even though sometimes it feels like a ritual. I am here right now and as long as I have that opportunity, I can make a difference. I'm 22, in a year I will be 23, than 24, and on and on. Even more so than the years are the days, the seconds.. every waking moment on this earth. To give something back to the world, to make a difference, an impact.

You have brought us together to remember the great amazing qualities you had, and the joy and happiness you brought to those around you. It makes me smile to see the affect you have on all these people.

Through your loss brings me life. My constant reminder that every moment matters, everything we do has purpose and meaning, and I have more ability and purpose than I give myself credit for. You will always be there as a reminder of a great soul who tragically fell down the wrong path. As long as your light shines, I shall use you as a guide.

Your a lighthouse hommie. R.I.P. and Love.

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