It was supposed to get easier!

I thought I would start to feel better after the first year anniversary after Jonathan died but, instead the nightmares, the fears and the memories of the last three months I lived runs like a movie in my head so clear and so profound. I am not in survival mode anymore, it more like "HELP ME" I am sinking. Now what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? The rest of my life without him.

Accept the reality that I can not hug him, work through the pain I feel in my heart, adjust the environment that I live in now with all of his pictures still plastered all over the walls! Move from this house in order to heal myself - I don't think so!

My love for Jon shall never go away, he shall not be forgotten.

I do know I have to continue on as he would want me to succeed in life and to continue on my journey this new journey I lead. Educating, supporting my friends of like in kind trying to forge through the horrendous tasks of mourning together may help may help me rekindle my desire to live, thrive, and to survive!

I have my younger daughter and my older son, whom I love so very very much. They are in pain as well, they will come back to me someday.  Right now as they grieve within the life they lead today has this enormous weight of physical sadness. I know - I can see - I can feel it.

Sad thing about our family is that we have all grieved separately through all of this, we all are fumbling through this mess.

We will all make it - we will all survive - we have too ~ for Jonathan..

Just a side note ~ I am still pissed off at him that he did not say goodbye.


We did have lunch together that day! See after all she wrote she had a positive memory to share - go figure.


WORK THROUGH IT YOU CAN DO IT!

You meant so much to me!

After a while you learn the difference between holding hands and falling in love.
You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something and promises can be broken just as they are made; and sometimes goodbyes are really forever.
katie~

sorry katie - I was snooping ~ I am so proud of you! mom

5 stages of Grief & my Dear Husband ~

1. Denial 2. Bargaining 3. Anger 4. Despair 5. Acceptance

Despair ~
I only pray that one day he will be able to move to another stage ~ he seems to be stuck!
When he is ready he will read ~

Posted by a friend the day our "son" left us ~ November 30, 2007

I am aware that there are already groups out for Jon, but both have improper spelling of his first and last name. I have created this group out of request by his little sister.
____
Jon will be missed by all, forgotten by none, and carried on through each one of us for the rest of our lives. He carried a huge place in a lot of people's hearts, and for that, we must be thankful. Not only has he helped us to learn the power of laughter in sorrowful times, but he has also taught us each to not take life for granted.

Jonathan was an unbelievable son, brother, and friend. He will forever be imprinted in our hearts, and may his soul be carried on forever through the memories we have of him.

Jon is in a better place, where it's safe and sound. He is looking down on each of us, and I know he wants us to all be strong. Jonathan fought until he couldn't fight any longer, and now he's resting in peace.

R.I.P. Jonny boy, we all love you.
Yes, we do love u~