Posted by a good friend -
I am back. I know it has been awhile and I said I was not coming back, but things change and I was really withdrawling from escaping from reality to let the conscious of my streaming thoughts take control. Just sit back and let the fingers do the work.
I am in my second professional semester in the education program and during one of my classes I learned something very important about myself. Our teacher had given us an assessment to discover what type of learner we are. I filled out the worksheet with a bunch of numbers that did not mean much to me until I found the end result. I am a blue divergent learner, which means I like to experience and feel. The summary of my learning style is that at home and work, blues are: try to influence others so they can lead more significant lives, like to persue interest and abilities in the arts, communications and education, like to help others, am adept at motivating and interacting with others, and look for and work toward harmonious relationships. As I read over these, I could not seem to stop my mind flow leading to him.
During the summer, I had gotten home to find a friend of mine's status on facebook and myspace with threatening messages of wanting to hurt himself. As a blue divergent, I care and even if I had not talked to this person in a few year or so, I could not let this slide. I am a caring person and it would rip me to shreads to know he would go through with something so heartwrenching and horrible. Without a thought in my mind, I wrote him a message and told him to call me if anything. Thank God, he took me up on my offer. His voice was soft and sad, and I will never forget his words of struggling and regret. He had upset his parents and he was disappointed in himself. I reassured him that things will get better and offered my night to him. I wanted to help put a smile on his face, I wanted him to feel better to know that someone out there cares about him, even a complete aquaintance that he had not talked to in years.
He asked for me to come over and without hesitating, I hopped in my car and I stayed on the phone with him. As I drove, I knew something was not right. He did not sound alright and that is when I pushed a little heavier on the peddle. I finally arrived and I parked and I found his mom and a friend in the garage. I was questioned what I was doing here and if I was here to bring anything for my friend. I reassured the family that I was here soley for support and because I care. That night his stepfather took him to the hospital. All summer, I waited and waited to get that phone call from him and to get that reassurance he was doing alright. During September, the call finally came. He was out of rehab and in a half way house. He was safe, and since he felt safe, I was relieved and felt safe myself. He moved home, and got a job. I was so proud of his efforts and I was starting to believe things were going alright with him. I guess I felt they were going well enough that I stopped letting myself monitor him. I wanted to save him. I knew that I tried, and I thought that I did it. I stopped calling so much because I felt that things for him were getting better and he didn't have to rely on me anymore. I felt like I was his savior. I went home during a weekend and was able to see that face that I longed to see for months. I spent time with him and I was so over joyed to be able to have this memory and moment in my life.
We talked occasionally but not as much as we had earlier because we both were becoming so busy with our own lives. I thought that this was good news. He called me during thanksgiving break and I told him that I would try my hardest to see him. Unfortunetley, I became too busy that I did not.
On November 30, 2007, I got a phone call and not one that I was expecting. It was an old friend that I had drifted from. She gave me the worst news that someone would never desire to receive. My dear friend, Jonathan McEachern, had passed. I forgot how bad I wished to save him and I failed. I know it is not my fault but I wish I made more of an effort. I can not live my life with the "what ifs" but this what if will forever be engraved in my head. Even though Jon and I were not the best of friends, we had an understanding of one another and we both knew that this friendship was on a great path toward the future.
I attended my first wake and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with. People say that everything happens for a reason and when it comes to death it is so hard to find a reason. Since Jon left me, friends, family, I tried to search and find some type of positive. I found the positive of living my life the way Jon would have wanted me to. He encouraged me and was so proud of my education and made jokes about how I would be a teacher one day. I feel like I am not just doing this for me, but doing it for him. He made me proud and I know that I am trying so hard to make him proud of me. I try finding the positive in everything, in every part of my day and even at the end of the day I search for one positive aspect from my day. I am not taking anything, life, friends, family, or anything for granted. I want everyone to know how I feel. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate them, love them and care for them. I may not have been able to save Jon, but he saved me. He changed my life and it is so hard to put into words sometimes. I find myself re-evaluating my life and my relationships because of him, because of one soul, one person.
I will always miss you Jon. Our friendship did not end and your soul will never escape this world. You will never escape from my memory and my heart. I know you are still around and I hope that you will always be around to remind me that I have someone always looking after me. Thank you for changing my life, for making me a better person.
I love you and miss you.
December 26, 1986- November 30, 2007
Wednesday, January 30, 2008