Men ~ Silent Grief

I really needed to find a reason as to why he is still, so sad.

The "he" is my husband, not Jonathan's natural father!
"he ~ my husband found our son"
I cannot imagine what it was like for him to have to tell me my son was dead!

I found this article very enlightening this morning and I wanted to share this with you, as it is not all about the mother ~ we must not forget that the father grieves as well.

It has been said there is no loss greater than that in the loss of a child.
For families who experience the death of a child, whether an infant or an adult, the surviving family members are often left to cope with their own feelings of grief. While the mother of the child is often consoled extensively, the father of a child who has passed away may, at times, feel lost in the grieving process.

Compounded by this process is the vastly different way in which men grieve. For the most part, this vastly different response to grief, by men, is a one that is learned, taught and expected through their own upbringing. In many cases, these same men, even when faced with the death of their own child, will view the mourning and grieving process as a challenge and test they must win.

To "win" this challenge, so to speak, the father who grieves the loss of his own child will often show an overwhelming tendency towards remaining quiet and silent. This silence, in essence, allows a grieving father to control, to some extent, his vulnerabilities and protects them from the ultimate emotional breakdown. What is commonly not seen, however, is this same grieving man who will express his grief in solitude and in silence.

When coping with the death of a child, the grieving father will commonly take on new personality traits. Because men are taught to be the protector of the family, the loss of a child is often perceived as a failure on their part and, as a result, the male figure of the family will feel as if they need to take on a role of protecting the other family members. To this end, the grieving father can become consumed in the details and events following the death of a child and, as a result, may show little to no sadness initially.

Because men cope with grief on a level that is far different from woman, it is important that they be permitted to express their grief differently. For many women, the expression of grief comes quite naturally, leaving a mother to wonder why her husband does not feel the overwhelming sense of sadness she may feel. While it may seem he does not feel these same depths of sadness, rest assured, he does. Because men are taught to behave in a manner that is not expressive during times of intense stress, and must be the protectors of the family, it is normal for a father, who has lost a child, to grieve in silence and for very prolonged periods of time.

This link was the first I clicked on ~ it has some excellent information, as well as really interesting comments ~
Direct link to the article and the person to be acknowledged ~

~4 your sister~

She has left 4 college 2 follow her journey~

~your house is a very special house~
you have left our house today ~
you have left to begin a new journey today ~
you have learned to be the survivor you are today ~
you have wisdom to know what is right from wrong ~
you have strength to confront whoever comes before you~
you have talent that will take you far~
you have confidence in who you are ~
you have the will to work hard now ~
you have courage to face fear ~
you have values to make the right choices ~
you have a future full of happiness & success ~
you have a mother and father who love you ~
you have a very special house that will always be your home ~

~we both love you~
xoxo
mom & dad
(copyright) vonna maslanka

The word of a passer 4 U to see.

I think about you a lot, and read this blog. I've noticed that you seem to be managing your situation so well, you have redirected your personal loss into a hopeful opportunity for many others.

I admire your strength and your resolve and your dogged determination to be a mountain of strength in the face of your unjust and inconsolable sorrow.
I so admire you.

You have shown a grace and goodness of your heart that should be an inspiration to everyone. You are a wonderful person, and a wonderful Mom.

I'll always remember how you faced this crisis with such courage and grace. You are one of a kind, my dear.

Author Unknown

Life

Life
Posted by a good friend -
I am back. I know it has been awhile and I said I was not coming back, but things change and I was really withdrawling from escaping from reality to let the conscious of my streaming thoughts take control. Just sit back and let the fingers do the work.

I am in my second professional semester in the education program and during one of my classes I learned something very important about myself. Our teacher had given us an assessment to discover what type of learner we are. I filled out the worksheet with a bunch of numbers that did not mean much to me until I found the end result. I am a blue divergent learner, which means I like to experience and feel. The summary of my learning style is that at home and work, blues are: try to influence others so they can lead more significant lives, like to persue interest and abilities in the arts, communications and education, like to help others, am adept at motivating and interacting with others, and look for and work toward harmonious relationships. As I read over these, I could not seem to stop my mind flow leading to him.

During the summer, I had gotten home to find a friend of mine's status on facebook and myspace with threatening messages of wanting to hurt himself. As a blue divergent, I care and even if I had not talked to this person in a few year or so, I could not let this slide. I am a caring person and it would rip me to shreads to know he would go through with something so heartwrenching and horrible. Without a thought in my mind, I wrote him a message and told him to call me if anything. Thank God, he took me up on my offer. His voice was soft and sad, and I will never forget his words of struggling and regret. He had upset his parents and he was disappointed in himself. I reassured him that things will get better and offered my night to him. I wanted to help put a smile on his face, I wanted him to feel better to know that someone out there cares about him, even a complete aquaintance that he had not talked to in years.

He asked for me to come over and without hesitating, I hopped in my car and I stayed on the phone with him. As I drove, I knew something was not right. He did not sound alright and that is when I pushed a little heavier on the peddle. I finally arrived and I parked and I found his mom and a friend in the garage. I was questioned what I was doing here and if I was here to bring anything for my friend. I reassured the family that I was here soley for support and because I care. That night his stepfather took him to the hospital. All summer, I waited and waited to get that phone call from him and to get that reassurance he was doing alright. During September, the call finally came. He was out of rehab and in a half way house. He was safe, and since he felt safe, I was relieved and felt safe myself. He moved home, and got a job. I was so proud of his efforts and I was starting to believe things were going alright with him. I guess I felt they were going well enough that I stopped letting myself monitor him. I wanted to save him. I knew that I tried, and I thought that I did it. I stopped calling so much because I felt that things for him were getting better and he didn't have to rely on me anymore. I felt like I was his savior. I went home during a weekend and was able to see that face that I longed to see for months. I spent time with him and I was so over joyed to be able to have this memory and moment in my life.

We talked occasionally but not as much as we had earlier because we both were becoming so busy with our own lives. I thought that this was good news. He called me during thanksgiving break and I told him that I would try my hardest to see him. Unfortunetley, I became too busy that I did not.

On November 30, 2007, I got a phone call and not one that I was expecting. It was an old friend that I had drifted from. She gave me the worst news that someone would never desire to receive. My dear friend, Jonathan McEachern, had passed. I forgot how bad I wished to save him and I failed. I know it is not my fault but I wish I made more of an effort. I can not live my life with the "what ifs" but this what if will forever be engraved in my head. Even though Jon and I were not the best of friends, we had an understanding of one another and we both knew that this friendship was on a great path toward the future.

I attended my first wake and it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with. People say that everything happens for a reason and when it comes to death it is so hard to find a reason. Since Jon left me, friends, family, I tried to search and find some type of positive. I found the positive of living my life the way Jon would have wanted me to. He encouraged me and was so proud of my education and made jokes about how I would be a teacher one day. I feel like I am not just doing this for me, but doing it for him. He made me proud and I know that I am trying so hard to make him proud of me. I try finding the positive in everything, in every part of my day and even at the end of the day I search for one positive aspect from my day. I am not taking anything, life, friends, family, or anything for granted. I want everyone to know how I feel. I want everyone to know how much I appreciate them, love them and care for them. I may not have been able to save Jon, but he saved me. He changed my life and it is so hard to put into words sometimes. I find myself re-evaluating my life and my relationships because of him, because of one soul, one person.

I will always miss you Jon. Our friendship did not end and your soul will never escape this world. You will never escape from my memory and my heart. I know you are still around and I hope that you will always be around to remind me that I have someone always looking after me. Thank you for changing my life, for making me a better person.

I love you and miss you.

Jonathan McEachern
December 26, 1986- November 30, 2007

I received this wonderful email ~

Please take note:
Partially quoted and edited by me to protect anonymity ~

Dearest Vonna,

While certainly I am not an expert on anything, I can share a bit of experience, strength and hope with you at this time. I found interesting the things people would do to avoid having conversation with me about my child ~~~~

It was as though they were afraid they might become infected with the death of a child of their own. Our experience in losing child ~~~~ only perpetrated their fear of losing their own child or children.

My husband and I were NOT able to discuss our feelings with each other for quite some time, as we were both reeling in our own sense of loss. I do not judge this, I only share this as an observation. You are correct in your assertion that time will change the immediate issue of your pain.

However, you have to, and I say this in a supportive and loving voice, honor your feelings. To pretend they do not exist denies your love for your son. Remember that each tear you cry, each smile you etch on your face, each memory and the feelings that accompany each memory are a tribute to your son. How wonderful that you FEEL as though part of you is gone, for that is the truth.

What I discovered for myself is that once the pain and longing for my child ~~~ diminished in intensity, my relationship with him changed. I still have a relationship with him. Sometimes I can feel him, very close. Sometimes I hear his voice in the voice of his siblings and nieces and nephews. I rarely share this with others, as we all have our own walk and experience with death.

So, part of you has gone, but it will return, I promise. One moment, sometime in your future, you WILL feel whole again. You are exactly how and where you are supposed to be at this moment. Nothing is out of order, nothing is chaotic, everything is perfect. Your pain is love. Your pain is the most intense manifestation of your love. Trust it, let it come and go, like the tide. Do what you must do to honor yourself and him.

I do not wish this experience on any parent. At the same time, parents have been dealing with the death of their children since the beginning of time. You will heal, you will survive, you will again thrive.

Forgive those closest to you who cannot offer you support or encourgement. Reach out to those who can.

Take good care of you, be gentle with yourself, and know you are an incredible mother.

Again, I would like to say ~ with hopes of others passing by, maybe just may one of these entries may just help someone Just like Me~

____________________________

Today, I am well, let's just say ~ I will take it minute by minute ~ Vonna