Tribune Article Part II "The unrelenting power of Heroin

My son did not know! I did not know.

Do your children know how powerful Herion is an how available it is in your own backyard?
This is a sad situation, get yourself involved in your community, make a difference this coming new year!


"This is how powerful heroin is."Street Drugs A Drug Identification Guide

In September 2007, 18-year-old Nick Beinlich overdosed on it in the Buffalo Grove home of his Stevenson High School classmate Matt McGovern and never regained consciousness, dying five days later.

Four months later, River Forest police found McGovern in a shopping center parking lot, slumped over the steering wheel of his car with a needle dangling from his arm.

Just think about that. A friend essentially died in his house, and that didn't stop McGovern from using. It wasn't enough to scare him straight, wasn't enough to shame him straight, wasn't enough to force him to face his addiction.

A friend essentially died in his house, and yet, McGovern went back to heroin. Just think about that.

But the power of heroin didn't stop there.

In September 2008, another Stevenson friend of McGovern's, 18-year-old Phil Capone of Vernon Hills almost died of an overdose, saved only because his mother found him unconscious in time to summon medical help.

Then in April this year, another Stevenson friend, 19-year-old Eddie Sivkov of Buffalo Grove, died on the floor of his bathroom a few months after completing a two-week rehab program.

And two months after that, Lincolnshire police arrested McGovern and charged him with possession of heroin after an auto accident. The 20-year-old driver of the car in which McGovern was riding also was allegedly high on heroin.

Two months after a second friend had died. Less than a year after a third friend almost died. And if the police account is correct, McGovern was still on heroin.

If you're clean, you ask yourself, how could that be? Two high school friends die. Another almost dies. You're arrested once. With all of that happening, who in his right mind would still be using? How could that be?

The answer, unfortunately, is simple. Someone with a heroin addiction isn't in his right mind.

As Jamie Sotonoff's reports sharply described last week, we're facing an epidemic of heroin abuse in the suburbs and in our schools. And it's leaving death and shattered lives in its wake.

Much more needs to be done to combat it. More attention and more funding is needed to try to get addicts off it.

But as McGovern's story clearly illustrates, the most effective way to get off heroin is to never get on it in the first place.

That's a message our community and our schools and parents need to underscore ~ read the article

It was supposed to get easier!

I thought I would start to feel better after the first year anniversary after Jonathan died but, instead the nightmares, the fears and the memories of the last three months I lived runs like a movie in my head so clear and so profound. I am not in survival mode anymore, it more like "HELP ME" I am sinking. Now what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? The rest of my life without him.

Accept the reality that I can not hug him, work through the pain I feel in my heart, adjust the environment that I live in now with all of his pictures still plastered all over the walls! Move from this house in order to heal myself - I don't think so!

My love for Jon shall never go away, he shall not be forgotten.

I do know I have to continue on as he would want me to succeed in life and to continue on my journey this new journey I lead. Educating, supporting my friends of like in kind trying to forge through the horrendous tasks of mourning together may help may help me rekindle my desire to live, thrive, and to survive!

I have my younger daughter and my older son, whom I love so very very much. They are in pain as well, they will come back to me someday.  Right now as they grieve within the life they lead today has this enormous weight of physical sadness. I know - I can see - I can feel it.

Sad thing about our family is that we have all grieved separately through all of this, we all are fumbling through this mess.

We will all make it - we will all survive - we have too ~ for Jonathan..

Just a side note ~ I am still pissed off at him that he did not say goodbye.


We did have lunch together that day! See after all she wrote she had a positive memory to share - go figure.


WORK THROUGH IT YOU CAN DO IT!

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away ~

Yesterday

I picked up a stranger from the train station yesterday, she was recommended by a friend, thought she could help me "organize" ~
On the ride back to the house I found out she had lost her child as well ~ she is a wonderful woman my age from Nigeria ~ we organized, cleaned, scrubbed and shared memories as I put my son's belongings to rest.
He now has clean sheets, a television that works; so that if he ever decides to visit he shall be comfortable ~
Rest well my son ~ you were and always will be my yesterday!

"You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for every day
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or at least how the story goes
I never believed until now
I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday"

Leona Lewis
Yesterday lyrics

Vonna Today

Let me tell you a little about what Vonna did today ~

She woke up happy this Christmas morning not realizing what the day would bring her. She had a few bumpy spots with regards to her emotions ~ Have you ever really "heard" the words to "Silent Night" ~ If you knew Vonna like I know Vonna! ~nuff said then~
All in all it was a good day ~

He never failed her when it came to a Brad Pitt premier at the movies.

Although it's been over a year since she has actually really watched a movie in it's entirety; she did manage to sit still and watch a movie called ~

"Wanted" based loosely they say on a novel by Mark Millar ~

Starring ~ James McAvoy &Angelina Jolie

What struck her with this movie were two quote's ~

"Kill one save a Thousand"
morgan freeman

"This is me taking back control of my life. What the f*** have you done lately?" james mcAvoy

Life ~ don't stand still or you may just get struck by that curved bullet.

She doesn't know it ~

She needs me just as I need her ~ 

Time has been lost and we need to catch up ~

Stop the text messages!

~ I can't text as fast as I type ~ ugg

LOL

I love you sweetheart - ma!

She had a dream ~

Don't know why I'm telling you this...

"I had a dream of you Jon and his sister. She wasn't in the dream physically.
She was mentioned but you and Jon were there she was away at college.
It seemed so real. It was strange because we knew Jon had passed.
You gave me some clothes to change into and I'm not sure why.
I changed in the room where Jonathan passed which was a small bedroom.
Weird thing is, his body was still in there. He lay there helplessly, but I didn't cry, you woke him up. We talked about how his couldn't go in the room anymore ever since "it" happened.
You went downstairs after waking him up to get him food, then he looked at me and smiled. His speech was all screwed up but I could see he knew exactly who I was and knew he loved me through his eyes and expression. His speech returned to normal and he hugged me and said I love you. You came in with a sandwich and cookies and that was all I could remember. I woke up and felt heartache. I miss him so much.
At the same time, I'm so glad I still dream of him.
It's strange how in a dream when someone is "gone" they can still be alive.

I love you momma. I hope you're doing okay."

It's time; this first anniversary, just around the corner, and so close you can taste it. I am not surprised as I too am experiencing dreams, I hear his voice call to me "ma" it's okay I love you. Just before I lay down to sleep I hear his voice "ma, I love you", comforting yet tearful and so sad.

Do you remember last year all the activity we felt within the house, the incidents? There has been much activitiy in this house as I sit here each day alone. For unknown reasons I collapse and just weep until I can weep no more; and then all of a sudden I feel his presence he is lifting me gently up off the floor.

No, it is not strange; if was him it was not just my mind telling me his is trying to bring me the peace and strength to get through the next few days. This could all be part of our grieving process. As it is my choice to believe that he is hear; I choose that he is here.
It is what I want to believe.

I do often wonder about his other three his three good buddies, [friends] the one's that showed up drunk after the service to pay their respects and to say goodbye one last time, I often wonder if their dreams are nightmares?

I also pray for the other children now that I know that six from the same school, the same age, died this past year. I hope to do something special for all of them, I keep running into so many obstacles. I am only one. I do believe that somehow I will get this done.

She gave me strength ~

October 18th ~
Although her son is gone ~~ she is still so sad ~~ I give this post to my dear friend, who gave me strength with her words this past year ~~ who just listened to me weep that day on the phone in silence with her support ~~
I love you my dear friend ~ never ever forget that ~~ xoxo

Although this post can be interpreted in many ways ~ my intent is to try to comfort her and try to make her have a happy day ~
_________________________________

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Copyright 1952.

Change Part 2 ~

Anonymous said:
"Open the door for them so they can hold out their hand to you."

I knocked on that door to my friends who became stranger's ~ they shut the door in my face ~ at least my hand was out of the way ~

~My kids ~ I love them so~

Dear Momma,

So your daughter texted me a few times today telling me about dashboard confessional (me and Jon's band) and I got jealous!! Ha Ha! I was supposed to go with her...it was us against the world dammit! I'm so proud of her. She seems like shes doing well and staying positive and strong. So I wanted you to know that I'm proud of you too momma, you're a fabulous momma so don't ever think different. I love you oh so much.

And you know that I love Jonathan and "K" with all my heart too. You all will never leave me. We're family and family sticks together through whatever.

I had a dream about him a few days ago and all I remember was waking up happy. I was partially sad yet smiled and felt relieved. It was as though he was there telling me that every things good. I have a song from Mariah Carey that I dedicate to him from me. It's kinda sad and comforting at the same time...weird...but completely tells my story.
It's called Bye Bye.
READ THE LYRICS AND LISTEN TO IT AT THE SAME TIME.

I love you Vonna momma. MWUAH!
I should be back soon to give you a real hug.

::HUG::

Heath

Grief 4 Today ~

We all grieve differently
Some grieve quietly
Solemn in their grief not wanting
To show their pain
While some are loud
Letting the pain out for all to see and then beginning
The long battle of healing
Some hold their grief in for so long
That eventually it eats at them
Causing them to misdirect it
In different ways unknowingly pointing
The pain of loss toward others not wanting of it or deserving
When instead they should be letting go and moving on

Grief is not a friend
For it makes one angry, sad, exhausted, and confused
Grief is an unwanted guest for it stays for a long, long, time
Seemingly never wanting to leave
Once in a while it will allow some peace but for only a brief time span
It would rather curl it’s black tentacles around and keep you in it’s grip forever

And then one day you realize you are starting to feel a little better
As the seasons change so do we
In time we shall heal
You start to get back into your routine and realize grief is finally
Packing up to end it’s long overstayed visit
For it was a long process this visit from grief
Each day gets a little better
Keep on moving
Stay busy
One day, Grief is finally gone
Until the next time it is required to visit again

Stephanie J. DeMartino ~ author

I remember ~

I remember his smile
Ma give me money
I remember his laughter
Ma look at my finger
I remember his whining
Ma it’s only a party
I remember his sadness
Ma help me
I remember why I loved him
~Vonna Maslanka 4-23-08 c.

You meant so much to me!

After a while you learn the difference between holding hands and falling in love.
You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something and promises can be broken just as they are made; and sometimes goodbyes are really forever.
katie~

sorry katie - I was snooping ~ I am so proud of you! mom

How she cope's!

"For each minute that passes me by, seems like a second or two with a blink of an eye. Time keeps turning, but my memories stand still. When the world seems to crumble around me, I find my strength and goodwill. I keep on truckin, and keep on fighting. For it's you that taught me all of this. And through all your hardships and troubles, you deserve your peace and happiness."
Love you Jonathan.
las vegas

We can't know why~

~We can't know why some things happen ~ but we can know that love and beautiful memories outlast the pain of grief. We can know that there's a place inside the heart where love lives always... and where nothing beautiful can ever be forgotten ~

~ I am learning as I go through my own journey as a mother morning her son, that nothing beautiful in this world is really ever lost ~

Blue's

I got the blue's and it really isn't fun.

Me & My Baby ~ Big Baby ~

I try each day to say thank you ~

I have had so much on-line support from the beginning, you have no idea how many email's and thank you' notes ~ I want and need to respond too!

Let's not talk about all the cards and help I received from real people that I have to thank.

I have 7 cards that I purchased in the beginning to send to 7 special people ~ those 7 special people will have to wait, as it is to difficult to find the words that are buried in my heart, it's going to take time to dig them out.

It is my duty as a mother, a friend, a human being to get this job done. It is part of the healing process at least for me - last night I emailed someone to obtain an address, to my surprise and humbleness, I received the following note back.

Vonna,
Please don't worry about sending me a 'proper' thank you...I should be thanking you.
I draw strength from those around me, and I have probably drawn more strength from you than anyone else.
I almost lost my child a few years ago, my child survived. I can't imagine what it would be like to walk in your shoes. Know that I love you, admire and respect you, and am so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,
**a friend of mine ~ that I have never met ~

I got my glass on Saturday along with a beautiful note from this awesome lady who is gonna have a baby ~ she told me it's the year of the RAT ~ She also sent me a book I shall treasure and pass along to the next who is in need ~ The Grief Recover Handbook ~

I am reading and reading well...

Sometimes ~

It's just hard, but you just have to keep moving, get up everyday, no matter what. Take a shower, take a bath, just get dressed ~ get through the day, even if it is minute by minute or second by second.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!
YOU HAVE TO TELL YOURSELF YOU WILL!

4 Sean ~ A friend's Nephew ~

A fellow glass beadmaker sent me an email the other day telling me about her sister, as her sister's situation is very similar to mine. Her son, like Jonathan was a wonderful smart, intellegent young adult who succumed to this sickness we call addition.

His short life ended at the age of 23 from Alchol poisoning.

I am grateful she emailed me, I was hesitant to call at first, but anyone really knows who I am I am not a shy woman. I am really not afraid to talk to a stranger, nor to tell it like it is.

I have spoken to other women on the phone who have lost children. I have found that with each and every conversation both parties came out winners. Although, I cannot feel the same feelings as the other women, nor can they feel the same feelings I feel about my child.

What we do have is a common bond, we have each lost a part of our soul. That feeling will never change, that feeling will never go away for any mother.

I did call her, we connected, we both cried, we both laughed & we were able to help each other.

I was going to post today all about what happened to me yesterday. I will share my feelings later. I find this more important right now.

We all have our demon's that we struggle with ~ my friend wants to simlply purchase a headstone to honor her nephew. I encourage you to click on this link to find out more about Sean & if you can please help.

4 Sean

Don't forget to sign the petition either. Thank you.

I feel hopeless~

A very wise friend of my gave me some very profound advice ~

"Learning and talking is self-therapy. When pain is put out into the weave of the world it gets absorbed by others and that allows you to heal!!"

Although the title to this post refers to me feeling hopeless ~ I have knowledge, I have confirmation. I shall never have to wonder how~

I received the official report from the Coroner's Office yesterday ~
Jonathan's death was ruled as a "homicide" an overdose of dirty drugs ~
Jon's mind, body, & spirit were that of a healthy man.

I would like to reiterate the fact ~ "Knowledge is Power" ~

Read, Learn & Educate yourselves ~ our younger generation's world.

It is and never will be the same again. I shall heal ~ I have faith in myself.