Never be afraid ~

I am feeling kinda like I am sitting on that dang pity pot - the pink one - yes it has to be pink, never liked pink until I started designing jewelry, then I got all that "PINK" glass from Mike Frantz ~ ugg ~

I still have not told everyone that Jon isn't here, that he is gone, that ~ OK ~ I will say it, Jonathan died.

Doesn't make me feel any better to type it out, those words of death. I don't really believe he is dead, well at least not in my mind.

I called a friend yesterday with hopes of being able to handle the conversation, well I was wrong. The both of us cried. I am much more lonely on the weekends, it is very hard for me to look at my daughter as I can't bear the fact of loosing her.

I remember that after two years, two flipping years ~ I ran into the nurse who helped me take care of ma when she was dieing of Cancer here at home.

She told me I didn't have to accept the fact that she was gone, dead, not here anymore ~ I just needed to know all I had to do was learn to live with that fact.

Oh the Pain ~

It is freaking Friday ~ ugg ~

I received this wonderful email ~

Please take note:
Partially quoted and edited by me to protect anonymity ~

Dearest Vonna,

While certainly I am not an expert on anything, I can share a bit of experience, strength and hope with you at this time. I found interesting the things people would do to avoid having conversation with me about my child ~~~~

It was as though they were afraid they might become infected with the death of a child of their own. Our experience in losing child ~~~~ only perpetrated their fear of losing their own child or children.

My husband and I were NOT able to discuss our feelings with each other for quite some time, as we were both reeling in our own sense of loss. I do not judge this, I only share this as an observation. You are correct in your assertion that time will change the immediate issue of your pain.

However, you have to, and I say this in a supportive and loving voice, honor your feelings. To pretend they do not exist denies your love for your son. Remember that each tear you cry, each smile you etch on your face, each memory and the feelings that accompany each memory are a tribute to your son. How wonderful that you FEEL as though part of you is gone, for that is the truth.

What I discovered for myself is that once the pain and longing for my child ~~~ diminished in intensity, my relationship with him changed. I still have a relationship with him. Sometimes I can feel him, very close. Sometimes I hear his voice in the voice of his siblings and nieces and nephews. I rarely share this with others, as we all have our own walk and experience with death.

So, part of you has gone, but it will return, I promise. One moment, sometime in your future, you WILL feel whole again. You are exactly how and where you are supposed to be at this moment. Nothing is out of order, nothing is chaotic, everything is perfect. Your pain is love. Your pain is the most intense manifestation of your love. Trust it, let it come and go, like the tide. Do what you must do to honor yourself and him.

I do not wish this experience on any parent. At the same time, parents have been dealing with the death of their children since the beginning of time. You will heal, you will survive, you will again thrive.

Forgive those closest to you who cannot offer you support or encourgement. Reach out to those who can.

Take good care of you, be gentle with yourself, and know you are an incredible mother.

Again, I would like to say ~ with hopes of others passing by, maybe just may one of these entries may just help someone Just like Me~

____________________________

Today, I am well, let's just say ~ I will take it minute by minute ~ Vonna