If it makes me happy!

Waking up is happy & difficult to do, especially when you realize it will be almost two years since that horrific day that changed my life forever. I continue on this crazy ride of emotions from feeling very sad to very happy. (Not working in over 5 years doesn't make it easy either!)
No ~ I am not depressed, no I am still not crazy yet, and no I am not going through the change. Maybe just a tad slow to realize certain pieces of this puzzle.

WHO KNOWS! What the next year will bring.
Let me tell you what is is like for me, getting a double whammy smack me upside the head girlfriend slow down duh moment.

RESULTS ~
Whammy number #1
Thursday evening of this week the Bead Society of Greater Chicago had their annual election. Mind you I knew I was on the slate as I was nominated. I have been their Vice President of Programming for a year now. I had a lovely afternoon looking for a new facility to house our meetings with the current President. Actually, I had a lovely afternoon circling O'Hare airport while she scoped the new place.  I shall admit one of my minor flaws is giving the gas companies more money; I got lost again. I tell ya, I just have no sense of East, West, North, South.

Whammy #2
Back in June of this year I decided to join in on the juried collaboration project together with
Michigan Glass Beadmakers Guild to create a piece with a Jewelry Designer I had never met, as I am a member of Glass Act another organization that is non-profit in MI.

Ladies and Gentlemen the votes have been counted and the results are in.

Whammy #2
The piece that was entered in the jury show took 3rd place YAY!
Whammy #1
What will the future bring!

Sheryl Crow seemed to sum up my feelings best ~

"I've been long, a long way from here
Put on a poncho, played for mosquito's,
And drank til I was thirsty again
We went searching through thrift store jungles
Found Geronimos rifle, Marilyn's shampoo
And Benny Goodman's corset and pen

Well, o.k. I made this up
I promised you I'd never give up

[Chorus]
If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad?"

Sad, not really ~ just a little dumb struck.

The Bead Society of Greater Chicago ~
Join, have fun, meet new peeps, share your stories!

Whether it be a grief group, beading group, reading group, on line forum ~ any group!
It's thearpy for me - That's what makes me happy today!

This is going to be a lot of work as a volunteer position, but down the road this will be good for me, having a job ~ keeping me busy. This is what I can do for me. To make my days go by with more happiness, I think!

PS: if you are in the local area, - join volunteer, let's make some history for the love of beads!

Edited: Update on positition of my presidency position of the Bead Society of Greater Chicago - I resigned before the new year.

The why does not matter if it makes me happy it can't be that bad; in life you have to take care of you.

It was supposed to get easier!

I thought I would start to feel better after the first year anniversary after Jonathan died but, instead the nightmares, the fears and the memories of the last three months I lived runs like a movie in my head so clear and so profound. I am not in survival mode anymore, it more like "HELP ME" I am sinking. Now what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? The rest of my life without him.

Accept the reality that I can not hug him, work through the pain I feel in my heart, adjust the environment that I live in now with all of his pictures still plastered all over the walls! Move from this house in order to heal myself - I don't think so!

My love for Jon shall never go away, he shall not be forgotten.

I do know I have to continue on as he would want me to succeed in life and to continue on my journey this new journey I lead. Educating, supporting my friends of like in kind trying to forge through the horrendous tasks of mourning together may help may help me rekindle my desire to live, thrive, and to survive!

I have my younger daughter and my older son, whom I love so very very much. They are in pain as well, they will come back to me someday.  Right now as they grieve within the life they lead today has this enormous weight of physical sadness. I know - I can see - I can feel it.

Sad thing about our family is that we have all grieved separately through all of this, we all are fumbling through this mess.

We will all make it - we will all survive - we have too ~ for Jonathan..

Just a side note ~ I am still pissed off at him that he did not say goodbye.


We did have lunch together that day! See after all she wrote she had a positive memory to share - go figure.


WORK THROUGH IT YOU CAN DO IT!

You meant so much to me!

After a while you learn the difference between holding hands and falling in love.
You begin to learn that kisses don't always mean something and promises can be broken just as they are made; and sometimes goodbyes are really forever.
katie~

sorry katie - I was snooping ~ I am so proud of you! mom