It was supposed to get easier!

I thought I would start to feel better after the first year anniversary after Jonathan died but, instead the nightmares, the fears and the memories of the last three months I lived runs like a movie in my head so clear and so profound. I am not in survival mode anymore, it more like "HELP ME" I am sinking. Now what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? The rest of my life without him.

Accept the reality that I can not hug him, work through the pain I feel in my heart, adjust the environment that I live in now with all of his pictures still plastered all over the walls! Move from this house in order to heal myself - I don't think so!

My love for Jon shall never go away, he shall not be forgotten.

I do know I have to continue on as he would want me to succeed in life and to continue on my journey this new journey I lead. Educating, supporting my friends of like in kind trying to forge through the horrendous tasks of mourning together may help may help me rekindle my desire to live, thrive, and to survive!

I have my younger daughter and my older son, whom I love so very very much. They are in pain as well, they will come back to me someday.  Right now as they grieve within the life they lead today has this enormous weight of physical sadness. I know - I can see - I can feel it.

Sad thing about our family is that we have all grieved separately through all of this, we all are fumbling through this mess.

We will all make it - we will all survive - we have too ~ for Jonathan..

Just a side note ~ I am still pissed off at him that he did not say goodbye.


We did have lunch together that day! See after all she wrote she had a positive memory to share - go figure.


WORK THROUGH IT YOU CAN DO IT!

He didn't say "goodbye"

I am so not watching TV anymore!
Snap out of it will ya! -- Bad weekend 

Good Grief Bad Grief what is the difference?

Good Grief Bad Grief what is the difference?

Friendship & Understanding.

I am sad - I am angry, I am ~ I don't know what I am ~

I wrote to a friend to apologize for not remembering to do something ~ this is what she wrote to back.

Vonna ~ absolutely no apologies necessary; not between us. This is just from my own experience, but I feel the whole grieving process is going on subconsciously and consciously. We go along, living our lives and a thought or a feeling or a scent overtakes us, and we feel such pain; like we've been blindsided. However, I really believe that along with the grieving is the healing that is also going on, even though it may be hard to perceive. Does this sound like psychobabble? I don't mean it to. If you want to have a chat, just let me know. You know I'm here for you.

The numbness wore off and the reality has set in!
The bad so to speak ~
The time is here for me - in three months it shall be 2 years -- it seems just like yesterday we had lunch, and then I called 911 - you know I can't write anymore, at least anything that would make sense - I just know he is not here and I am afraid that if I don't think about him every day - I shall forget him ~ I can't he was and still is my son - who I miss from the bottom of my heart and soul!

Thank you my friend for being their for me!

The Red Balloon

It was a resturant my daddy used to take me to every Sunday for breakfast - nope not donuts -
Pancakes

I found the book at a garage sale when the kids were little, I still have it.
- in 1956 the film was first released in the United States

A film critic for The New York Times Bosley Crowther ~ praised this film from France stating ~

"Yet with the sensitive cooperation of his own beguiling son and with the gray-blue atmosphere of an old Paris quarter as the background for the shiny balloon, he has got here a tender, humorous drama of the ingenuousness of a child and, indeed, a poignant symbolization of dreams and the cruelty of those who puncture them."