deep thoughts

thoughts~

damn jon its almost a year, i wish that would make it easier to try and talk to you but it doesn't, i wish it made me feel less guilty but it doesn't, i just hope whatever your at right now is awesome and your at peace with yourself, ya know for a long time after your funeral i havent thought about you but i keep your picture in my wallet and i hope what ever is going on now is better then how things were. i wish i could talk to you just one more time man just to tell you how much we cared about you, but alas man im sure ill see you some 60 70 years from now and everything will be back to normal

much much love~a friend

A Unexpected Change ~ Part One

What has changed in the past 6 months that have gone by. I ask myself this question in hopes of of releasing myself from the old, the new, and what awaits lurking in the shadows of my own future.

The old ~ Part One
My OLD friends they are gone, they are here but they are gone. They grieve too, and I
understand this. My son, their nephew, their friend, the little boy they held in their arms is dead, he is gone and never coming back in the physical sense they understand. Why they are not communicating with me is their problem and not mine.

What they don't understand is that I shall not bite them, I shall grieve with them, we can help each other. Am I wasting to much time worrying my OLD friends?

No, time is never wasted if you use it wisely. Hope & Peace I wish to my OLD friends ~ they will someday connect back with me ~ when they face their own fears and or demons of grief.

~ I must say goodnight, get a good night sleep ~ so that I may concentrate; as tomorrow is another day.

Disorientation~

Every Day - every moment is so unpredictable for me ~

My Mind & Spirit ~

Today is that of disorientation ~
I am lost ~ my soul is deeply injured ~

My Body ~

This shall be another story as today ~ it is not just a copy and paste day, I really wanted to write something inspiring to help someone ~ I just can't ~ I don't even no if I spelled everything right.

To all my friends that pass by ~ I am deeply grateful to all of you.

Snow & The Angel

What I am finding out.

I am on an adventure today and adventure where I don't know how or where the day shall lead me, sometimes, I think to myself that this is everyday of my life lately. No matter where I go, to the grocery store, the bank ~ or just for a walk around the street to stretch my legs it's painful within my body, mind and spirit.

It's what way to early in the morning, still I have my coffee, take my medicine, relax for a while, and read through all my son's journal's. He has written the most beautiful stories, the most prolific thoughts I have ever read thus far at least the way I comprehend. A gift that he has left for me, for me to read, enjoy and learn. To gain knowledge of my son who left too soon, but helped so many.

Today, I have come to the realization that my son seems to have found inspiration from the girl he loved, his first love, his only love. His first girlfriend. Step back ( as he says it in his writings ) & the demon's in he had hidden in his soul.

Do you read the last page of a story or book first? I always do.

Today I share with you this. Today this is for her. I shall not mention her real name, as Jon did not either - most of his paper's were for school I am assuming.

July 5, 2001

"And I will always say I love Renee. I love the sunshine in her face. Her gaze of approval stokes my eyes, and I feel comfort. Bring me night, or bring me day...anything for my sweet Renee."
jon mceachern excerpt from journal entry.